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	Boys Tragic Death Could Have Happened To Any Family With 20-Foot Pet Python Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 191 seconds Rich and Lisa Shaw say there were no warning signs that their 300-pound Burmese Python would crush and eat their 3 year old son.

	Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 122 seconds Excruciating up-to-the-minute coverage of some irrelevant bullshit story that has no ramifications whatsoever.

	How Will The End Of Print Journalism Affect Old Loons Who Hoard Newspapers? Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 138 seconds Panelists discuss how the decline of the newspaper industry will affect the loons and shut-ins who rely on newspapers for stacking around their ramshackle homes.

	Obama Caught Lip-Syncing Speech Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 150 seconds After Obama slips up during an address on health care, White House officials are forced to admit the president occasionally uses a backing track for important speeches.

	Filming Of Congressional Reality Show Disrupts Committee Meeting Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 145 seconds Rep. Cummings (D-VA) vows to ignore the haters and rise above the drama during the filming of his new reality series.

	Denmark Introduces Harrowing New Tourism Ads Directed By Lars Von Trier Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 154 seconds Tourism officials hope the acclaimed Danish director's bleak vision of unsettling sexuality and brutal violence will attract more visitors to their country.

	Report: Baby Skull Jewelry May Be Linked To Violence Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 162 seconds Panelists debate the validity of a new report which claims many decorative baby skulls are obtained by unlawful, inhumane means.

$New Law Would Ban Marriages Between People Who Don\$	New Law Would Ban Marriages Between People Who Don't Love Each Other Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 162 seconds The Minnesota law would nullify the marriages of an estimated 2.4 million couples currently living in silent resentment or seething hatred.

	NASA Scientists Plan To Approach Girl By 2018 Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 158 seconds The team of scientists says the $19 million dollar mission will put them in direct contact with a woman by 2018.

	Insidious Worm Makes Unauthorized Purchases When Computer User Is Drunk Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 148 seconds Computer experts say individuals with upcoming bachelor parties or afterwork get-togethers are especially vulnerable to cyber attacks resulting in fraudulent late-night purchases.

	Packers Fan Announces He Will Return To Drinking For Another Season Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 168 seconds Chris Lukawski, a longtime devotee of the Packers and beer, is confident his battered liver and family can handle another NFL season of unrestrained alcohol consumption.

	Rep. Seeks Retroactive Immunity For Anyone Who Hit On First Lady Last Night Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 109 seconds Rep. Bruce Durant proposes a bill protecting anyone who who may have had a little too much to drink at a White House event and called Michelle Obama a "beautiful queen."

	Crime Reporter: Man Had Sex With Wife Thousands Of Times Before Killing Her Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 181 seconds In this episode of 'Raw Justice,' a depraved sex fiend violated his wife's body almost weekly for ten years before finally murdering her.

	New Law Requires Women To Name Baby, Paint Nursery Before Getting Abortion Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 131 seconds In The Know panelists say more states should make decorating a nursery and choosing a baby name required steps in obtaining access to an abortion.

	Biden Criticized For Appearing In Hennessy Ads Posted by: TheOnion Video duration: 117 seconds Citing White House Pressure, Hennessy pulled the Biden ads saying "Joe will always epitomize the smooth, original style of our world class cognac."